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Let The Bodies Hit The Floor....

Posted on 2010.12.02 at 23:59
*174.6 lbs

I'm sicker than dog shit at the moment. I have camped out half my day sitting next to the toilet making sure i don't puke on myself. I have this burning in my esophagus. Pepto-Bismol makes it go away for about five minutes, but then it comes back again. I think this might be the answer to my eating problems, i eat and then i get sick....how delightful. Kind of makes you never want to eat again. Not sleeping so well also since when i first lay down bile just rises and i feel as if i'm going to fill my bed with regurgitated ginger ale. But whatever. It'll get better. I hope it gets better soon. I can't wait for my Cuddlekins to get here. I just want him to hold me and rub my back and ignore that i'm a big pukey mess. 

Rock Your Body...

Posted on 2010.11.28 at 03:14
Current Music: "Bigger Than Us" by White Lies
176.8 lbs. *Fucking Shoot Me*

I haven't been this heavy in more than a year. Depressing. Starting my calorie journal again starting tomorrow. I will reach my goal. I will be what i set out to be. Since i'm packing i ran across and old journal i had two years ago. It was weird since the things i wrote were kind of what i was writing now, except for i had lost like 35 pounds in three months. I am going to lose 60 pounds. I have to. I want to look as awesome has my soon to be hubby looks. Horrible thing to say though is we both have some little eating problems...he looks a lot better than me though since he first off is in the military and works out all the time, plus he has the will of a man possessed. He says he is going to do something he will do it. I need to take a note from his book. I was also going through my photos and ran across ones from when him and i were dating in college when i was vegan and all i could think about is how awesome i really looked. Sure i was still chubby, but i was vibrant and i kept working on getting a better body. I will have the best body i possibly can. I can do this. I will do this. Im going to start walking to the gym again early in the morning and after work. That way i get a walk in before and after my workout. Woo woo. My future hubby already got us a gym membership where i will be moving in a month. 4 weeks thats all i have. 3 weeks til i'm married. This is crazy. This is exciting. I will be everything i strive for by August, for once i am giving myself a timeline. I will do it.

Hold back your fears....

Posted on 2010.11.23 at 00:13
Current Music: "Angels Wings" by Social Distortion
I love the song "Angels Wings" by Social Distortion... Plus i think Mike Ness' voice is absolutely dreamy. *Rawr* Still haven't weighed myself, i just don't want to step on the scale to just see me fail. As i said it puts me in this funk. Not that i'm not already usually in a funk, but this is a depressing funk... sounds weird coming out of someone with extreme body issues, but its the truth. I'm going to wake my ass up tomorrow, or should i say in six hours. Eh. I'm running off of three hours of sleep from yesterday and i seem to be doing quite fine...but that could be since i drink enough caffeine most days to kill a damn cyborg. That might be a contributing factor to my insomnia...tevs. I'm pretty okay with it  since i don't really like sleeping in the first place, it kinda weirds my fiance' out, which i kinda find cute in a weird way. 

Bought rollers today to start doing my hair in the evenings, i didn't do it tonight cause i got sucked up in Buffy the Vampire Slayer....yup, i'm that girl. This long weekend i'm also going to get rid of a bunch of clothes that i don't want...or feel as if i never wear. This will be good for me. I'm really hoping to be down to 170 by this Saturday. I want it so bad. Ten pounds at a time, thats what i'm gonna look at. I want to one day be 110, but i'm kinda okay with that taking a little bit longer if it means i don't gain and lose the same 20-30 pounds i always do, love 20 pounds in a month and then like three months later i gain it all back and then four months after that i lose it again, it's a vicious cycle that i hate. I will be 110 pounds by August. This is a promise i'm making myself and marking it down. I should mark it in my planner... hah. That'd be good. Maybe. 

White Trash Beautiful...

Posted on 2010.11.21 at 22:16
Current Music: "Don't Stop Believin" by Journey
Tried on my wedding dress this weekend. Made me feel like a princess. It hide all my fat rolls and has a built in corset in it...what, what. Tonight i think i'm going to have a spa night with myself. Pamper my hair, paint my nails, all that yummy stuff. My goal for this week is to go to the gym twice a day. I have the use of my roommates car so i can do that. Probably wont end up doing it on Thanksgiving since the gym is closed, but maybe i can talk a friend into going for a hike with me on that day. Who knows? Ahh. I think tonight is a tea and pamper night. I should probably pack up more of my stuff so i can send it out soon....oh geezes. But i think i'll wait until this weekend to do that since it's a long weekend and i probably won't be feeling as lazy. I haven't weighed myself today, don't think i'm going to, i'm extremely scared to pop on the scale today, know i should, but i'm not. I haven't eaten really anything just for that reason. Tomorrow when i do pop on the scale i don't want to look down and see "you've gained 100 pounds".. Don't think it would be that bad, but at the moment i can't stand to look at a scale if i know i gained weight, it like throws me into this hardcore funk. Fo rizzles. 
My friend is running a marathon in seattle this next weekend. I'm so proud of her. She's kind of an inspiration. This is her second time running this marathon and since may she's lost 50 pounds. She is on her way to losing 100 pounds and i'm just amazed at her determination some days. She doesn't go on binge-fests or anything like that, its pretty cool and weird to see all at the same time. 
Well i do believe i'm going to go paint my nails and all the shit. If i can't be happy with my body i at least should treat it nice so it's happy with me.